Veilleuse

Winter: Halfway to God VIII

2009-02-06T00:59:41Z

...

It was the deep chimes of a bell that woke us everday. As soon as the first chime sounded, I would hear a loud voice outside my door.

"Arise from slumber, everyone! God has given us a new day!"

I tried sleepily, to remember where I was. Before I had time to process my thoughts, my door opened and a girl entered. She had large yellow-green eyes, fiery hair and cinnamon skin. She looked, impossibly, as if she had been awake for hours.

"Oh good morning, Two," she said louder than needed. "I am the Jack of Clubs, Aishling, at your service."

I looked at her lethargically.

"Come now," she said, even louder, "let's go."

Aishling took my wrist and dragged me through the Halls. She greeted everyone we passed in the hall with exuberance. She had a wild look to her, full of energy that awakened and brightened everyone she talked to. She made me think of someone half remembered.

"We should live everyday to the fullest," she told me as we walked along. "We never know when God is going to take it away."

I tried to pay attention as she introduced people we passed, but I was busy trying to memorize where we were.

She noticed. "Oh, it's useless trying to remember this place."

"Why?" I asked.

"Do you know why there's no map?" she explained. "It's because the House changes all the time. If you keep your mind on where you're going, you'll get there, eventually."

I tried to wrap my head around the concept.

"Good morning, Jack." a man greeted her.

"Morning, Mendel," She smiled. "Have you met our new Two yet?"

"Welcome, Two of Clubs," Mendel said to me, "I am Mendel, King of Clubs."

I thanked him uncertainly.

He directed a smile towards me and a nod towards Aishling, and left.

She nodded fondly towards Mendel, "The King is nice, isn't he, Two?"

"Why do you all call me that?" I asked, irritation creeping into my voice. "I have a name."

"You can only have a name when you become a Royal Card," she said. "It takes a bit of getting used to, but you'll forget your name someday."

"But I don't want to forget my name," I resisted. I didn't want to forget myself.

Aishling guaged my expression, then whispered, "Let me tell you a secret." She leaned towards me and whispered, "If you want to remember your name, the best way is to repeat it to yourself every night before you sleep so that you won't lose it in your dreams."

"Is that how you remembered your name?" I asked her.

"Yes." Her eyes grew soft with memory. "Someone called me Aishling. Someone I loved. But," she shook her head, "I can't remember who. I only remember that I loved him very much."

"Have you been here for so long that you forgot what's it like outside?"

"Oh yes," she nodded easily. "I came here when I was younger than you! I don't even remember who took me here."

"Do we have to forget?" I asked sadly.

A pause, then she said, "Maybe we wanted to forget. Or maybe we forgot to remember."

"I don't want to forget," I decided. "I don't remember much, but I'd like to remember it no matter how little I remember."

She laughed audibly, turning heads. "You do that, then!"

Winter: Halfway to God VII

2009-02-04T02:33:00Z

My room was the first door I came across. The door was painted as the playing card, with two clovers. The door was not locked. The room looked like any other room, I suppose, with a bed, a desk, a wardrobe and a window. The doors of the wooden wardrobe and the bedpost had the Clover carved into it. I opened the wardrobe and found it empty; my uniform was placed neatly on the bed. I removed my own clothes and put them on. They fit.

I went to shut the window, but I was distracted by the sight of snow. The light from my room illuminated the snow that danced from the sky softly and soundlessly to the ground. My memories turned to you, the many times that we've spent together, your face, your voice...

Winter: Halfway to God VI

2009-02-03T02:01:24Z

I opened the door with the big black clover. Inside the tower was the common room and stairs along the wall that spiralled upwards leading to individual rooms. Everything - from the carpet to the walls to the emblem above the fireplace - was marked by the Clover. The circular room was lit by the fire and candles that seemed impossibly bright.

It was empty... nearly. Two girls huddled near the open window. They had either not noticed to my entry or chose to ignore it. I had hoped to escape to my room unnoticed but I carelessly let the door behind me slam audibly. I cringed at the sound. They turned to the door, then to me. Twins, I thought. But when I looked closer, I saw that despite the same pale complexion, the same light circles under eyes that had the same look utter unconcern, their faces did not resemble each other's at all.

"Who are you?" they asked.

"I am Merle." I answered.

"But only Royal Cards are allowed to have names," one whispered to the other.

"Maybe he is a Royal Card," the other one said to the first one.

"You can't replace a Royal Card."

"Maybe he's the first."

"Boy," they said to me in unison, "who have you replaced?"

I remembered that the Prophet had placed me. "Two of Clubs," I said.

"He couldn't have replaced a Royal Card." the first one said, a little triumphant.

"Yes," the other agreed.

They looked at me. "You are not in uniform," they observed, throwing my coat a look that said, That doesn't belong. We looked at each other for a while before they turned back to the window, ignoring me as before.

I took this chance to escape.

Winter: Halfway to God V

2009-02-02T02:40:15Z

The Clubs tower had a big black clover on it, Ash said. It's just around the corner, go on, it's not hard to find. Then he said he was late and left.

When I turned the corner, I saw two doors. One had a big black clover on it, just like Ash said. The other one was pearly white, with words carved across the top in a language I couldn't read. From behind the door glowed a warm white light.

I touched the door, and felt a tug in my heart because it somehow made me feel as if I would find behind the door something I was looking for for a long time.

Behind the door, bathed in light, was that girl. She reminded me of you, but I knew that you were not her because you said that when we meet, we would definitely know each other. I reached into my pocket and clutched at the piece of string.

"Who are you?" I blurted out.

"I wouldn't speak to her like that if I were you."

The Prophet stepped out from behind the girl. He did not look angry, but I was startled just the same.

"I'm sorry, I must have opened the wrong door," I apologized quickly, dropping my eyes.

"She is the Healer, the Pure One. She is Eira. You must be careful not upset her or she may refuse to heal you." He placed his hands around the girl's shoulders.

Eira pulled out of his grasp and said unfeelingly, "I don't need you to speak for me as if I cannot speak for myself." I was frozen by her coldness.

She took my hand. Her hands were cold, colder than mine. I looked into her eyes. They were a misty blue grey full of secrets.

"I know you," she murmured, her voice reaching only me. "You're my little blackbird, Merle." She stared deeply into my eyes, and for an instant, I forgot the Prophet was there.

I wanted to ask her how she knew my name, but i felt that it was a secret, like many secrets she had hidden in her sad eyes.

The voice of the Prophet pulled me back into reality. "It's almost midnight," he said, but I wasn't sure which of us he directed it to.

I felt the authority in his voice, and I left them. I felt both relief at leaving the Prophet and regret at leaving Eira, who made me feel as if your memory wasn't so distant after all.

Winter: Halfway to God IV

2009-02-01T05:29:29Z

We stood there for a while until Ash continued on without a word. I followed him, also silent.

"How did you feel when you were here for the first time?" I asked gingerly.

He paused, and then said, "I don’t know. I don’t even know if I want this life. I don't remember being granted it by God, or anyone else."

"I'm sure there was a reason for God to grant you this life, if He did, and a reason you agreed to it, if He asked," I reasoned. "After all, God chose you. He must've known that you would be happy here or else He wouldn't have considered it."

"What are you? A wiseman or something?" He scoffed scornfully, and a little indignant.

"No," I disagree. "I only have great faith in God."

"I don't trust this God fellow. He does great things but He makes mistakes."

"Maybe his mistakes were made purposefully."

"No no no. Look at how we've turned out? Even people chosen by God kills, even when told not to. Even we pass judgement. Even we kill-" He stopped suddenly.

But it was too late. My curiosity burned. "What do you mean by 'we kill?'"

"Nothing, nothing." He said in a tone that indicated that the conversation had ended.

Winter: Halfway to God III

2009-01-31T17:12:03Z

Ash led me through one door to another, hallway to hallway, curving this way and that, like a maze. The silence was heavy.

Finally I could not help but speak. "Why are we here?"

He misunderstood my question. Or maybe he answered on purpose. "Because we are going to the Clubs Tower."

I was disappointed by his misunderstanding, deliberate or not. I relapsed into silence.

Ash, having somehow felt my discontent underneath my silence, beckoned, "Come with me."

We turned back, and weaved through another path in the maze until we had come to the Hall of Windows, overlooking the lake. It is black, bottomless.

"This is the only place where we can see outside."

"Why are we here?" I repeated my question.

He leaned against a wall and looked out the window. His eyes are looking far away: past the trees, the snow, the clouds, to the sky.

"We are here because God is gracious and he wants us to dedicate ourselves so that we can follow him into the new world." he said simply and without feeling, repeating what he has heard maybe a thousad times.

"You don't believe that," I said. What do you believe? I asked silently.

He pushed his hair out of his eyes, a habit of his when troubled, I learned later. "Sometimes I just want to go outside."

"But you can," I reminded him. I had seen many people exit into the courtyard to stroll by the pond or just breathing the air like quenching a thirst. Ash's thirst, I noticed, was of a different kind.

"Yes," he said and at the same time he seemed to be saying no. "When I had just come here, I went outside. Not to the courtyard, but outside outside." With his hand he gestured to the window, the treetops, the sky. "When I tried to find my way around the trees, I got lost and no matter how much further I thought I walked, I could hear the lake. In the end I broke down at the foot of a tree until it became dark. The Prophet found me and he said to me, 'There is nothing outside.'

"As much as I revere the Prophet, this is the only thing I disagree with, because how can you not feel that there is more out there than there is in here?"

Having heard this, I decided I liked him.

Winter: Halfway to God II

2009-01-30T03:46:10Z

(When we began...)
There are many things I cannot remember, as there are few things I cannot forget such as the first memory I have of you, the time Ash died, and the first time I walked through the door of the Glass House.

The first thing I remember about that day was the snow. The snow danced from the dark, cloud-filled sky, to the trees, before my eyes, then to the ground. My own cold hand was in the grasp of another larger warmer hand. I felt safe and, though it was cold, there was a warm feeling inside that made me feel at home.

The door of the Glass House glowed with the light of the moon. It opened on its own without even a knock, as if it knew we were outside. Then light poured out into the night. I remember shielding my eyes with my hand at first, but I let it fall as I looked up into the face of the Prophet.

He was a beautiful man. Angelic, from an old painting long forgotten. His eyes glowed with the light of knowledge. He held himself proudly; unafraid and protected by God. His presence was strongly felt even behind the door, as I knew now.

"Welcome," he said grandly; his voice rings.

He held out his hand for me to take. I went towards him automatically.

The beautiful man took me into the light behind him. I remember hearing the door close behind us as I was engulfed by the light, and nothing more of the dark world I had left behind. The last contact I had with the outside world was forgotten immediately.

The Great Hall was made of white stone. The floor is of white marble and it is so smooth you can almost see your own reflection. Dim moonlight and wintry air poured in from the tall narrow windows. At the back of the hall was an elevated podium, behind which was a small table for two, above which were three large stained glass windows.

The stained glass windows depict a pure Healer with a white rose on the left, a golden Prophet in red on the right, and a dark hooded God in the center.

The man gestured to the middle window. "That is our Lord," the man said, "and He speaks through me. I am the Prophet."

I did not speak, for what can you say when you are so close to a Prophet of God?

He did not ask me for an answer nor did he continue. He looked among the scattered people in the hall, looking for someone. He smiled as he found who he was looking for and summoned him with a single look. The youth with copper hair and a troubled expression that faded when he responded immediately and eagerly to the summon.

"Bishop Ash," he said to him, "please guide our young one."

"Certainly," Ash replied. Then he looked to me. "He is...?"

"He is our new Two of Clubs," said the Prophet, putting his hands on my shoulders. "Please take care of him." Very quietly, for my ears only, he whispered, "You are embraced by the Light, young one."

Then he dismissed us with a smile.

Before we knew: Halfway to God I

2009-01-30T02:50:25Z

(Before we knew...)
If you ever wander into a lonely forest, past the thick wall of evergreen trees, through a fairy-lit path, across the glowing lake, you might see a silhouette in one of the many windows of the Hall. That would be me, wishing to be outside where you are.

Of course, I've never seen or heard anything - not even a bird - pass. But I have faith. I have faith that you will be the first, and that you will find me and take me away.

When I first became Luminescent, I had only the memory of you. Now I can barely remember your face and I cannot remember your name, but I remember how much I loved you. Someone once told me, perhaps it was you, that if we have faith in God, he will grant our heart's desire. I pray every day that one day we will meet again.

The new Luminescent, who holds the same position as I did when I first came, brings back a wave of nostalgia and longing for the past.

"What's your name?" I ask him.

He glances downward and says nothing.

"I won't tell," I promise.

After deliberating for a moment, he whispers his name so quietly that I had to strain to hear it.

"Make sure you don't forget it."

His eyes widened, showing his fear and confusion.

"It’s unfortunate," I sigh as I take his hand, "but many have been here so long that they have forgotten their name." I lower my voice and tell him, "Someone once told me to repeat it to myself every night before I sleep so that I won't lose it in my dreams."

A glimmer appears in his eyes. On his face is a ghost of a smile.